I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I amaze people with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large
glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the
Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass
cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a
private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine
and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international circles. Children
trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I
balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.
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Ghost of Ike
06/22/10
RyanED
04/14/09
MJM40
03/02/09
onegoodrose
02/13/09
Rose
neilsthepoet
11/18/08
A mad man of intelligent thought
A paradox to some
He will actually converse with you
Unless you insist and insist
Upon being ridiculous and dumb
He carries both sword and shield
His kindness can bring a smile
Unless unless unless
you've come to do harm
Than he steps forth Crusader style
Neils
8:21 am
11/18/2008
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